On Holiday with the Maybot

Breakfast

Philip: Tea or coffee?
Maybot: I've been very clear I have ruled nothing in or out at this point in time.
Philip: How about some jam on your toast?
Maybot: As I have repeatedly said, our precious union leads the world in fruit preserves of all kinds. That is not going to change. 

An Alpine hike

Philip: Fabulous view!

Maybot: We are aware of all the environmental factors and will deal with them in due course.

Philip: Is that a kestrel?

Maybot: The careless slaughter of animals is an issue I am well aware of and will be legislated for as we leave the EU. Freedom of movement for predatory species will have to end.

A Day at the Races

Phil the Greek: Who the fuck are you?

Maybot: We are creating a hostile environment for anyone who cannot provide papers, documents and signed affidavits proving they have right to live in the UK.  

Phil the Greek: Call your henchmen off, I'm the fucking Duke of Edinburgh!

Maybot: All appeals will be heard through the normal channels. 

Watching the Telly

Philip: Stand a bit closer to the set, luv, the picture's getting clearer.

Maybot: I have been clear ...I have been clearer...

Philip: Oh shit, the signal's interfering with your circuits.

Maybot: Strong and stable...I have been clear...we are leaving the Customs Union...

Spot the Difference Competition

Minister Caroline Noclue from the Department for Sending 'Em Back wows the Scottish Affairs Committee:

Minister Caroline Noclue from the Department for Sending 'Em Back wows the Irish Affairs Committee:

Whisper It: Could Scotland Live Without Stephen Daisley?

A rare photo of Daisley whose vast bulk makes him almost
unphotographable.

From out Daisley correspondent.

Fed up with Daisley? Frustrated with a corporate hack who ponces around the internet like a real journalist? Had your fill of mediocre articles, unionist whining and endless bitching about the SNP?

Many Independence supporters think Scotland would be better off without Daisley, controversially claiming his job could easily be done by a monkey with a typewriter. And not a very bright monkey at that.

Not surprisingly Daisley and his Tory mates are quick to rubbish the suggestion, but would it really be such a bad thing?

A slimline baby Daisley showed so much
promise but couldn't stop eating.

Born in 1985, Daisley showed much promise and was the apple of his family's eye. Thirty three years on Daisley stands as a half fulfilment of a promise. He was meant to remedy the 'journalistic deficit'  whereby most Scots wanted to read positive stories about their country but were lumbered with a constant stream of Too Poor, Too Wee, Too Stupid propaganda. 

But despite all his opportunities Daisley remains a third rate hack pursuing his own anti SNP agenda and whining about victimisation when he victimises his own country on a daily basis. Despite Scots voting overwhelmingly for devolution and the obvious successes of the SNP Scottish Government, tory boy Daisley dreams of abolishing it to satisfy his unionist wet dream.

Scotland doesn't need Daisley. It's about time he started listening to what the majority of Scots want instead of filling unionist papers with his garbage.

Guest Post: Looking On The Bright Side With Esther McVey

Cuts to benefits

Don't worry if you can't afford to feed yourself or your family. You're probably needing to lose a bit of weight anyway so it's all for the best.

Victim of rape

Lucky for you the government provides benefits assessors who want to know all the hideous details of your rape. Look on it as a good chance to have a natter and get things out in the open.

Being eaten by wild animals

Who wouldn't want to do their bit for wildlife?

Victim of the Black Death

An escape from grinding poverty. There was nothing much to do in the Middle Ages anyway.

Having your leg sawn off in a saw mill

Think of the money you'll save on shoes.

Guest Post: A Westminster Diary by Pete Wishywashy

Monday

Can you guess which one I am?

Back at my Westminster office after a hectic weekend in the constituency. It's always a pleasure to meet my 'Ain folk' especially since I'm something of a celebrity in Perth, as well as elsewhere. Did I mention I was once a pop star in rock super group Runrig? Yes, not many people realise I'm the only MP who ever appeared on Top of the Pops. And people say politics is boring!

But it's back to business. First there's my correspondence. Of course I have a staff who read incoming mail and draft and send all my responses, but signing all those fan letters does take its toll on the old wrist. Just as well I'm not playing keyboards any more, at least not for a living. That's the downside of celebrity, that and being recognised and asked for autographs, but when you've been part of a rock legend band like Runrig you have to learn to live with it.

My mail is all sent out on House of Commons headed paper, and I like to personalise mine with:

From the office of Pete Wishywashy 
ex-Runrig rock superstar 
SNP MP for somewhere in Perth
Chairman of Scottish Affairs Select Committee

    I think people appreciate the personal touch.

Tuesday

The business in the House of Commons gets going again. There may be debates in the chamber, or meetings of the Scottish Affairs Select Committee, a group of MPs, of whom I am chairman, who investigate lots of things important to Scotland. Like when will Runrig re-form and go on tour again (Just kidding! I couldn't cope with all those days on the road. It takes a terrible toll on your family life although it's great to play live and meet the fans).

I do love a good debate in the house of House of Commons, and with all my experience as a former rock star I have a natural advantage presenting my best side to the many cameras that film proceedings. Despite our party differences we all have a good laugh, and I make it a priority to entertain as well as put forward the party line, whatever it is. After all, I am an entertainer by profession. I do think it's important to bring your unique talents and skills to politics. Which is why I'm so proud to be a member of Commons' own multi party pop group, Sad Old Hasbeens. Politics is a tough old job so we have to let off steam somehow.

Wednesday

It's All Hands on Deck for Prime Minister's Questions. This is a weekly event when the PM takes questions from other MPs. It does generate a lot of media interest so attendance is mandatory, but other than sitting there grunting and guffawing there isn't a lot for me to do, so I often bring along my earphones and listen to some old Runrig tunes to alleviate the boredom. If you watch me closely you might just catch my foot tapping or my head nodding.

Once a month there's Scottish Office Questions where the Secretary of State for Scotland, David Mundell, takes questions from MPs. That's slightly less boring as I often get to ask a question.  The SNP make up the largest contingent of Scottish seats at Westminster which is why most of their questions are ignored and laughed at anyway, so the whole thing is just a waste of time.

Thursday

My good friend the Speaker, Mr John Bercow,  has scheduled a debate today on the Internet and Fake News. I love social media and actively participate on Twitter, but the Indy Movement does seem to have attracted an unsavoury element lately, an issue I touched on in my articles in the Record, the Courier, the Press and Journal and (hopefully) the Telegraph. As I said on my blog, we have to learn to discuss and listen to others' opinions and not just react angrily to what others say. For Heaven's Sake, we all want the same thing, don't we?

For example, I recently attracted the ire of the Cybernats by suggesting there is no point in having another independence referendum until it's a dead cert to win which could be next year or (more likely) never.  I was accused of all sorts of nasty things, in language I've never encountered even when we toured with Bob Geldof. Someone even had the nerve to call me a 'poster boy for Scotland in Union'!  Needless to say I blocked all these naysayers. As Bob Dylan once said to me in an intimate backstage moment, "You can't please all the people all the time, and those arseholes aren't worth the bother." 

Friday

Dressed for a night on the town. What's not
to love about London?

Of course I want Scotland to be independent, but the last thing we need is to lose another referendum and, more importantly, my seat. Those who accuse me of being a 'poster boy' for Scotland in Union overlook the fact that I'm a poster boy for Runrig first and foremost. Did I mention I was once in Runrig?

So it's back to the constituency for the weekend, or if I'm lucky enough to have booked a show I can have a weekend in good old London Town. I love London. It's so full of great things to do and see, just the ticket for a hardworking MP and rock legend like me.

Murdo Fraser's Guide to Holiday Destinations

Yes, it's that time of year again.

Everyone keeps asking "Where should I book my holiday, Murdo? You're a world renowned expert on Just About Everything, so please help!"

Well, drawing on my vast travelling experience and general brilliance, here are my tips for this year's hottest holiday destinations:

1. North Korea

OK, I know what you're thinking. It's impossible to get a visa and Easyjet don't go there. But if you don't mind overcoming those minor hurdles you'll find the people are overwhelmingly friendly. See how happy they look! This snap was taken last year when my boss Ruth Davidson paid an unexpected visit and was treated like royalty.

2. Iraq
Since the enormously successful 2003 invasion Iraq has really opened up its tourist trade. It's no problem at all moving around the country, especially if you're affiliated to one of the burgeoning tour companies like Daesh.  Contact them online and they'll get you over there in no time.

3. Spain
Some people think Spain hasn't been as good since Franco died, but there are signs recently the government are getting a grip on things again. The locals could not be friendlier, especially since they are arrested for not smiling at tourists. Thanks to the exchange rate holidays here are dirt cheap, but I'd advise you leave that Free Catalonia tee shirt at home unless you fancy ten years in solitary confinement.

Who says Comedy is Dead?

Brexit Latest: Nige is All At Sea

Shame you don't get sharks in the Thames.

Brexit Latest: A Cod Speaks Out

Pack Up Your Roubles...

Meanwhile, in Londongrad...