Leg-sit: Those Secret Talks In Full

Brexit: Whatever Next?

Brillo: Good evening, your Royal Toryness, and thank you most profoundly for agreeing to this interview on what has to be the most momentous day in the history of Englandland.

Treeza Maybe: You're welcome, Andrew. And please stop kissing my feet, it makes me uncomfortable.

Brillo: Tell us, Prime Minister, why did you campaign for Remain when you knew full well the European Union is an invention of the Devil?

TM: It is true I campaigned for Remain, as did many on both sides of the House and of the debate. But this isn't a time for recrimination. The nation has spoken. We have to move forward and come together as One Nation to get the best deal out of those slimy foreigners who've been holding us back long enough.

Brillo: Thank you for that answer. And now, if it isn't too much trouble, would you outline to our viewers what your next move will be?

TM: Can I say at the outset I do not intend to give a blow by blow account. To ensure we get the best possible deal for every single person in the UK the negotiations will have to be conducted in complete secrecy. In fact, the Brexit Secretary and other colleagues already haven't a clue what they are talking about, and this is hopefully how things will continue. Only in this manner can we be assured of reaching the best possible deal and avoiding any scrutiny, for which I make no apology.

Brillo: And how do you feel about having to spend time with those revolting EU negotiators?

TM:  Well, a Prime Minister's job isn't always pleasant. To quote a predecessor, I may be a weak and feeble woman but I have the heart and stomach of a lion.

Brillo: And marvellous you are too. Especially the legs. You beat that harpy Sturgeon hands down.

TM: Thank you. Of course I'm not at all concerned with appearances, but that was the effect I was going for. If she thinks she can get a referendum past me she can think again. She can't even win on the legs.

Brillo: (Drooling) Thank you, thank you, thank you. So, would you clarify for our viewers what the Great Repeal Bill is?

TM: No. It's very complicated and technical and it would only confuse them to even try and understand.

Brillo: Fair enough. And what about the Henry the Eighth Powers?

TM: Yes, that was Boris's idea. I don't read any history but apparently there was once a king of England called Henry the Eighth and he didn't bother with parliament, he just told people what to do and they either did it or were burned at the stake. So you can see why we all thought that would be a refreshing change from all the pointless argy-bargy in the House of Commons.

Brillo: I see. Well that sounds clear enough. Which leaves me with only one more question: when will I get my peerage?

TM: Now is not the time, Andrew.

Brillo: Ooh, I love it when she talks tough.

ScotRef: Those Constitutional Discussions Translated Into Scots

NS: Gaunie geeza referendum?

TM: Gaunie no dae that.

Are You Addicted To The UK?

Our resident Agony Aunt writes:

Recently I found this heart rending letter in my mailbag:

Dear Auntie Sandra, 

I would dearly love to live in an independent Scotland, but I just can't break my addiction to the United Kingdom. Every time I think of joining the SNP or voting Yes I come out in cold sweats and trembling with horrible images of Jim Sillars and Alistair Darling on my television set. Please help,Desperate of Larbert 

 Shocking as it may seem, Desperate of Larbert's addiction is not at all uncommon. But sadly, because of the shame associated with it, many hide their symptoms from family and friends, making it almost impossible to get them the help they so desperately need.

So, how do you know if you or someone close to you is a Yoon addict?

You may quite like day trips to London and watching the Changing of the Guard, but does that mean you are addicted?

Like all addictions, there are varying degrees of dependancy, but generally speaking it is only when it interferes with your ability to do what is best for Scotland that it is considered an addiction.

Let's look at a typical case. K is a young healthy woman in her thirties living a normal life as leader of Scottish Labour. It would never occur to her to do anything to harm Scotland, but on the issue of a second independence referendum her attitude is completely irrational. She would do anything to prevent a vote,  even if it saved her country from the disaster of continued Tory rule and a hard Brexit.

Another case is W., whose addiction has reached such an extreme stage he is now making frankly insane claims that 'the SNP didn't win the 2016 election' and 'the Libdems speak for the people of Scotland'.

Of course, not all addicts exhibit such extreme symptoms. Other common tell-tale signs are:

Call 999 immediately if you dress like this.

• displaying or dressing up in the Union Jack 

• whistling God Save The Queen in the shower

• joining Scotland In Union

• ranting incoherently about GERS figures, even when you don't even know what they are

So, what should you do if you or a friend are addicted?

Of course, the most extreme cases should always seek professional help, but for the milder Yoon addict here's my...

Cut-Out-And-Keep-Guide to curing your Yoon Addiction: 

1. Make a list of all the things that annoy you about the Union. Whether it's unelected tory governments overruling the Scottish parliament and reneging on The Vow, or online abuse from swivel eyed Brexiteers, keep your list pinned where you can see it often. (It will probably be quite long so make sure you have a large sheet of paper).
2. Make a plan of all the things Scotland will be free to do if it were an independent country. Like, allowing foreigners to come here or getting the government we vote for. (Again, this will likely be a long list).  Imagine how empowered you will feel, knowing your vote counts and your representative won't just be laughed out of parliament for having a silly accent.
3. Remove all newspapers, tv and radio until you have the situation under control. Experts believe 99.9% of Yoon addiction is caused by exposure to biased pro-Yoon media, and the remaining 0.1% from being invited to a royal garden party.
4. Join a support group. Seek out Yes groups in your area, and if you're feeling strong enough read pro-Indy blogs like Wings over Scotland. But steer clear of social media until you feel past the point of relapse as they are hotspots of Yoon craziness.
5. Tell your friends and family. This may be hard, especially if they are addicts too, but who knows you might even inspire them to get themselves clean too!

Guest Post: Melanie Phillips

I have never been approached, but were I invited onto I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here I would decline. Not simply for the reason that such exploitative television is eroding our cultural heritage, but for the personal reason that I refuse under any circumstances to eat baked beans. My aversion dates from the discovery that baked beans are the Obamas' light meal of choice.  I once sat next to Michele Obama at an awards ceremony and was appalled to witness America's First Lady embarrass herself by asking the waiter for a plate of baked beans. It was no pleasure to sit and watch the ignominious spectacle of her shovelling beans into her face. She went on to compound the humiliation by mopping up the sauce with a bagel.

Of course the British Empire never really ended. It is not politically correct to say this, or to acknowledge that Great Britons still control most of the globe through trade and security. But we should be eternally grateful for it. Thanks to people like Tony Blair this has had a weakening influence on the evil rise of Islam. Sadly he was unique among British politicians in having such a clear purpose of demolishing the greatest threat to western democracy. At least we could sleep a little more securely during his tenure.

It is with enormous relief that I hear the Dubs amendment has been defeated. What a horrendous prospect, all those budding terrorists flooding into our precious sceptred isle, like a million sleeper suicide bombers. If we Brits have any fault it is in being too trusting, too generous and welcoming. Thankfully Theresa May's government is putting a stop to that.

We should all be concerned with the disturbing rise of racism in the UK. I refer of course to Scottish separatism, really a thinly veiled attack on the softhearted English who have subsidised their feeble minded northern neighbours for far too long.  Kilts and shortbread were English inventions, and Mel Gibson wasn't even born in Scotland, so these deluded fanatics have no grounds to claim sovereignty over a few barren moors and the odd mountain.

It's undoubtedly the failings of our abysmal education system that have fostered these troublesome nationalists. Hopefully Mrs May will get to grips with this and see that English dominance is more clearly emphasised in the classroom. The next generation of Scots and Irish must be made to realise their subordinate status and accept it with humility if our precious Union is to be preserved. 

That May Speech - the leaked first draft

Bloody hell, whose idea was it to book a venue ten sizes too big?. Good attention grabber, but something a bit more formal might play better. How about 'It's a great pleasure to be here in - where is it, again?'

Last year the Tories in Scotland finally kicked Labour into third place. Thanks mainly to the hard work of my dear friend, Ruth Harridan. Pretty sure it's Harrison? Get the intern to check. Since when she's been stuffing the SNP big time.  Good crowd pleaser, but don't give her too much credit. Your job's not that secure. And although we only have one MP in Scotland, luckily David Mundell is blessed with super powers and can leap tall buildings at a single bound. Are you taking his word for this? Better check it out.

The SNP are rubbish. All they ever do is fail at government. Scottish schools are nearly as bad as English ones. Might be best not to mention English schools at all. How about somewhere too far away for anyone to know better? Like Estonia? And they can't pay farm subsidies on time. What's worse, they don't like nukes and run their NHS more efficiently than we do. All of this means they are unfit to govern and I intend to take these powers away from them as soon as possible. Because we can't have a situation where Scotland is doing better at things than Westminster. People might realise how useless we are. Might be better to go for the "obsessed with independence" angle?

Scottish people deserve a First Minister who is focussed on delivering what I think they should have. "What they need". Because devolution is all very well when the devolved administration takes its orders from Westminster, the way it was originally intended. If it starts to do what the people want, then it becomes a threat to our precious union, and then it must be smashed to pieces for the good of all. "brought into closer harmony with the national government"

Because as British Prime Minister my power base is all that matters to me. We can't have bits of the UK opting out whenever they feel like it. Devolution was a catastrophic mistake that must be corrected. Scotland doesn't vote Conservative so it doesn't deserve a say in anything.  Might be best to tone this down. Emphasise the "precious union" and "mutual benefits of one people".

Britannia has a proud history of beating all the dirty foreigners into submission.  Don't dwell too much on the Empire, it could backfire PC-wise. Scotland can't deny it played a part in that, so your hands are as bloody as ours and we have to stick together for all eternity.  A tad jingoistic? Emphasise the shared tradition, get the intern to look up some Scottish achievements from the past, and doesn't that Harry Potter woman live in Edinburgh?

Britannia can be great again, in our new post-Brexit World of Opportunity. All the SNP want to do is pull Britain apart, which is why we intend to throw them all into internment camps as soon as we've abolished the Human Rights Act. Might be too soon for this announcement. Stick to business benefits, security, all that guff. NB Gordon got some good use out of "pooling and sharing" and "the broad shoulders of the UK".

Scotland has been allowed to get away with doing things better than us for long enough. Sod democracy, you're going to shut up and do what you're told. This is a fine sentiment but remember it's all the SNP's fault. Emphasise how they are "holding back" Scotland. Should play better in the business community.