|SNP leader Nicola Dugdale will soon have to |
return to her old job as an engineer.
Said Nicola Salmond: "It's clear from the election result that Ruth Davidson is the person Scots want to lead our country. I'm clearly useless at being First Minister and will tender my resignation as soon as I can figure out how to sign my name. But in the meantime I have binned my plans to wreck Scotland's economy and tear up the United Kingdom because it was clearly a daft idea."
Victorious election winner, Ruth Harrison, sitting astride a large military vehicle, commented: "It's about time the SNP stopped going on and on about another independence referendum that nobody wants. We are all sick of hearing about another independence referendum. If I never hear another word about an independence referendum it will be too soon."
Mrs Sturgeon made her humiliating statement in an address to the Scottish Assembly in Glasgow where it was greeted by cheers from all parties. Scottish Labour leader Jim Murphy said it was a 'great day for Scotland' and Libdem leader Ronnie Corbett could barely speak for laughing.
'The SNP are thoroughly trounced," added the bloke in the off-license. "That's the last we'll hear of them."