Tuesday, 23 May 2017

That Theresa May Leader Interview in Full

Andrew (hopefully soon to be Lord Brillo) Neil: Mrs Mayhem, why have you crashed and burned so spectacularly in the polls?

Treeza Mayhem: It's very simple, Andrew. This election is about trust, and clearly nobody in their right mind trusts Corbyn.

AN: Isn't it right that you went off half cock with a lot of half baked manifesto promises you've now had to go back on?

TM: Well, what I'm finding on the doorsteps is the whole country is concerned about how dreadful Corbyn would be as PM.

AN: Don't give me that bollocks. Your manifesto is a pile of crap, isn't it? And it's so rubbish you've had to U turn on social care.

TM: Nothing has changed, Andrew. What I find talking to people on the doorstep is they want a leader they can trust. We have taken all the steps necessary to create a strong and stable government that can manage a strong and stable economy and not the disaster that would befall us under the evil terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn. 

Controversial tory manifesto
pledge to cap Corbyn.
AN: But it has changed. You've introduced a cap. What will be the cap?

TM: Well, Andrew. What I find is the people of Britain expect a good British cap. So when we finally decide what cap it will be you can be sure it will the right strong and stable cap for Britain, and not that trotskyist cap Corbyn's always wearing. 

AN: Your party has run the economy into the ground. Why should anyone trust you?

TM: Well, what we find is people need strong and stable leadership they can trust, and elections are about making decisions. More ordinary working British people are just about managing thanks to my plan for a strong and stable economy. Which is more than you can say for Corbyn who just wants to give all our nuclear weapons to the IRA.

Coming up later on BBC 1:

The Darling U-Turns of May

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Theresa's Secret Election Diary


Elections are about decisions. One has to weigh up all the pros and cons very carefully. Which is why I spent half the morning trying to choose between the Jimmy Choo patent leather kitten heels and the Valentino slingbacks. In the end I ditched both in favour of the Versace pumps, mainly because when you face a tough day at the coal face of photo ops comfort really counts.

Three hours on the phone last night. What a nuisance Ruth Davidson is becoming. That's the trouble with encouraging her sort, they haven't the good taste to know when friendliness becomes stalking.  It's my own fault, of course. I should never have invited her to my little do at Crathes. The things one has to do for the Party. Unfortunately she now thinks we're best mates. 

Lynton says it's no bad thing to be photographed next to someone with less dress sense than Worzel Gummidge. Easy for him, he doesn't have to put up with her endless TA anecdotes. And her pathetic desire to please it starting to get on my nerves.  I've told him straight, if she says "Dinnae worry, Treeza, ah'll soart oot the Nats fur ye" one more time I may just lose my cool.

I've a horrid suspicion she's angling to get invited back to Checkers post election. No Thank You Very Much. Once was more than enough. Stomping up and down in her Doc Martins, leaving muddy boot prints all over the Chippendale furniture. And sitting up till all hours drinking brown ale and having farting competitions with the domestic staff. I've known dogs with better manners.

Everyone's been phoning to say what a triumph Philip and my appearance on the One Show was. I have to say I took some convincing, but Lynton assured me it would be relatively painless. "I've taken care of everything. Just remember to smile and relax and be yourself."

Easy for him to say. I haven't a minute to 'be myself' and when I do it rarely involves smiling. So he organised some 'smile coaching' from a toothy Australian called Barb. After a week of that my face is in agony and I shall probably never smile again. "No change there, then," quipped Philip.

Anyway the One Show malarkey was relatively painless, apart from the facial rictus, and after Philip's astonishing claim to five million viewers that he takes the bins out I can let the Polish girl go.

My post One Show glow didn't last long. Still feeling flush and emboldened I foolishly let my guard down and ventured out to where the public were at large only to be ambushed by a complete nobody, whining about her disability allowance being taken away and what was I going to do about it. I mean really. Don't these people think I have enough serious business to deal with without having to hear the mundane details of their dreary lives? 

And she didn't look very disabled to me, although I was the soul of tact, managing to appear concerned despite the fact absolutely NOBODY was taking any notice of my Vivien Westwood jacket. I sometimes wonder why I bother.

Honestly if I never have to fight another election it'll be too soon. Lynton booked me onto a thing called 'Facebook', which is an internet thingy for youngsters and layabouts with nothing better to do than send each other pictures of their cats. Seeing I was less than enthusiastic about the idea he roped in his old mate Peston to field the questions, a handy way to filter out the dross and awkward bits, or so he claimed. 

"Just remember the magic words" he said, for the umpteenth time. Then he got that headmaster look in his eye. "What are the magic words?"

"Strong and Stable, Sir" I said.

"Good. Don't forget to get them into every answer. If you dry up Bob's been prepped to give you a cue. OK?"

So it all sounded straightforward, and started out plain sailing. Just as I was starting to get bored up pops Comrade Corbyn with one of his cheeky 'when are you going to start doing something for poor people instead of your rich city mates' questions. You'd have thought they would have kept the riffraff out for the main attraction but apparently anyone can go on this Bookface thingy. Sometimes I really do pine for my quiet life at the Home Office.

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Guest Post: Newly Elected Conservative Councillor Brian McDamage

Fuck off. It's coonsellor Brian McDamage to you, mate. Following ma historic victory kickin' the shit oot o' the SNP.

Here's ma victory speech:

Get tae fuck, get tae fuck, get tae fuck
Get tae fuck, get tae fuck, get tae fuck
Get tae fuck, get tae fuck,
Nikla Sturjin get tae fuck

Here's me on ma way to the hustings. Clock the yoonyin jacks. That means British first an' last. Foreign scum can get tae fuck.

To be honest it was a bit disappointin' when we got there. Ah took ma knuckledusters, thinkin' it'd be a great chance to put the boot in, but some fella in a suit said that's no' allowed, just say yer piece. Well ah didnae bring a piece so instead I stood up an' telt them about how ah hate the SNP an' we're no' havin' any mair Referendums an fuck the fuckin' Eeyoo an' a' they fuckin' foreigners can get tae fuck.  An' fuck me if they didnae elect me onyway.

See the tories, ah fuckin' love them noo. Ah aye thot they were just a bunch o' wankers, poncin' aboot in their posh suits, stopping' yer dole an' my girlfriend Chelsea's housin' benefit an' tax credits an' thanks tae the fuckin' rape clause she'll no' let me near her in case she gets up the duff again. But they telt me it's no' like before, it's "Roof Davisons Scottish Conservatives" an' that Roof Davisons seems like a sound bloke, drivin' aroon' in tanks an' putting' the boot intae Nikla Sturjin a' the time. An' noo ah'm a coonsillor ah'll no' be needing' the dole anyway.

So noo ah've got tae hang aboot at the City Chambers an have meetins an' decide stuff an' that. Ah'm no sayin' it'll no be a challenge, ken, cos ah've never hud a job for mair than a week. Shood be a laff,  an' if ah get a chance ah'll put the boot in the SNP.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Labour Can Win Every Seat In Scotland, Says Kezia Desmond

" Scottish Labour has always been big," said party leader, Kezia Desmond, posing on the grand staircase at Labour's headquarters on Sunset Boulevard. "It's Scotland that got small."

Dugmond was answering questions on the future of her party's Scottish Branch Office following its trouncing in last week's local elections. "Labour is now the second party in Scotland," she said,  going on to explain that by 'second' she meant 'second to the runners up, the Ruth Davidson UKIP Memorial Party'.

"The SNP are in steep decline," said Desdale. "They can barely scrape together enough votes to take over from Labour in councils the length and breadth of the country. And by country I mean the United Kingdom which Scotland will always be a part of. The SNP are finished. Nobody votes for them any more. It's only a matter of days, or even hours, or even minutes before Scotland rejects them completely and comes flocking back to Labour. We are confident of winning every seat in Scotland. The surge is coming. I can hear it when I'm lying awake in my bed at night. The roar of the crowd, the adoring fans, the swell of the orchestra. Yes. They're still out there, all those Labour voters. They're coming. Those wonderful Labour voters out there in the dark. ...Alright Mr Roden, I'm ready for my close up."