Monday, 27 February 2017

Shock At Corbyn's Oscars Gaff

The world of entertainment was reeling yesterday as Jeremy Corbyn accidentally handed the Most Credible Political Party Oscar to the SNP by mistake.

 The Academy audience of stars and celebrities had already begun to heartily applaud before the gaff was noticed and the red faced joke Labour leader hastily corrected his error. 

"I want to congratulate our SNP," he said, little realising that he was supposed to big up his own party who are currently running a feeble third to the SNP's widespread popularity.

The gaff followed close on the heels of London Mayor Sadiq Khan's controversial speech accusing nationalists of discriminating against Scots. "I'm not saying the SNP are racists," Khan hastily added in a feeble attempt to staunch the media onslaught. "It's just that they clearly are and everyone knows it."

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Introducing the New Improved BBC Jockland!

Scotland was reeling in gratitude today at the announcement BBC Scotland is to be replaced by a new improved version, BBC Jockland.

Said Director General Tony Hall, "We've had a whip round and thanks to the extraordinary generosity of people south of the border we can now spend a few more bob on the BBC Scotland budget. This represents a coup for Scottish broadcasting as it means we can spring for a few added extras, like a new frock for Jackie Bird and extended coverage of the BBC Jockland Hogmanay Special, despite the fact hardly anyone watches it.

"People in North Britain should be grateful, and stop complaining about the BBC which we know they actually love really. It is my hope this gesture will make them realise what a national treasure the BBC is and cough up their license fee like decent people in the rest of Britain."

New shows, reflecting the culture of modern Scotland, are already in the pipeline and should go to air in time to nobble the next Independence Referendum.

The Great Scottish Rip-Off

Loosely based on The Great British Bake-Off, Director General Tony Hall has only six weeks to convince a team of ordinary Scots viewers that his revamped TV channel represents value for their license fee money, despite investment lagging behind Wales and Northern Ireland.

Neil Oliver's History of Jockland

Filmed entirely on location in New Zealand, Scotland's favourite long-haired pretend historian walks around a lot looking sidelong at the camera and complaining about how nationalism has ruined his native country.

Who Do These Jocks Think They Are?

Each week a well known Scottish expatriate explores their Scottish roots while explaining why they couldn't wait to leave and now hate being reminded of it. Guests lined up so far: Michele Mone and Andrew Neil.

Monday, 20 February 2017

Guest Post: Unionist Brian McDamage Makes The Case For the Union

See that Nikla Sturjin? What a fuckin' state, eh? Walking aroon like Jimmy fuckin' Kranky.
Whae dis she think she is? Eh?
Furst minister, is it? Tell ye what, ah'd gie her a guid doin' if she came roon' here, walkin' aroon in they tartan fuckin' shooz and talkin' about Indyref2 a' the time, gets oan ma tits, so it does.

They fuckin' nashnalists, what a fuckin' state, eh? A' their fuckin' lies about livin' aff the oil an' that.
Pile o' keech.
The oil's no' worth hardly nothin' these days, dae they think we're daft or suhum?
That fuckin Sammin kens fine well we'd be up the swanny wi'oot a lifeboat.
Fat lot that pie muncher cares, he's aye on the golf course wi' his best mate Trump. No' him who'd be aff the dole.

An' thon Sturjin's niver aff the telly. Thought the pie muncher was bad but she's fuckin' worse, gaun oan aboot the Eeyoo an' lettin' a' thae foreigners in an' that. Takin' oor joabs.
No mine. Ah'm oan the Disability like, cozzy ma depreshin, it's right depressin' gettin' sacked fae every joab fer nickin' stuff aff the buildin' site.
But they'd be efter ma joab if ah fuckin' hud wan.
So whatthefuck diz she want to be in the Eeyoo fur? They're a' terrorists anyway.

So the guys roond the pub reckon there'll be another Indyref2 cozzy Brexit, annat.
An' my Nan's a' 'Oh, no! Whit the fuck dae they want to bring that up again fer?'
But I'm furrit.
Fuckin'. bring. it. oan.
Nothin' ah like better than mashin' up fuckin' nashnalists on the weekends.
Fuckin' Bravehearts, cannae fight for toffee.
Maist a' them are wummin an' the wans that arny might as well be, they fuckin' run awa' an' greet like wummin.
That's why I fuckin' hate them.

Independence. Fuckin' pish.