Hello. I'm Jeremy. Some of you may have seen me on your television set, those of you who can afford one out of your benefits. Though I know that won't be many of you since the evil Tory government started squeezing welfare in the name of a thing called "Austerity". That's a big word that means there isn't enough money to go around, especially to subsidise layabouts in far flung places like this. But as Labour leader you can rest assured I'm determined to stop that and see you get a bob or two more each week to help pay for your deep fried Mars Bars and heroin.
We in Labour have always had a close relationship with Scotland. For years we relied on your loyalty to elect us into government. In recent years that hasn't been happening so much, mainly because of an evil force called the SNP. These bad people have been up to all sorts of wicked tricks. Like spending all the block grant in Scotland on things like prescription charges, tuition fees and infrastructure projects. And because of these tricks, some of you might have thought they are the best people to vote for in elections. And let's face it an awful lot of you have been stupid enough to fall for this nonsense.
The latest lie the SNP are putting about is that Scotland should leave the United Kingdom. I'm here today to warn you what a terrible thing that would be for Scotland. As you know the oil revenue has very nearly run out, so without the hefty subsidies from the generous people south of the border you'd never be able to scrape together enough bawbees to afford your deep fried Mars Bars and heroin. Not only that, you'd be cast out of Europe and probably the civilised world for being too backward and embarrassing. So you wouldn't get any handouts there either. No, I'm afraid there's just no way a place like Scotland could ever run its own affairs and that's why you need to stop voting for those liars in the SNP and go back to electing complacent Labour MPs who sit on their arses and vote along with the tory government.
Don't rock the boat. Things are bad enough already with Brexit. It's looking more and more like Britain is going to be an utter shit house for a long time. The last thing you want is to make things worse by annoying Mrs May who has a heck of a temper, let me tell you. And who knows, maybe one of these days Labour will be in power again and things can be just the way they used to be in the Good Old Days. Now, that's something to look forward to, isn't it?