Friday, 25 August 2017

Douglas Ross MP, A Life in Fixtures

Refereeing is my life.  It's who I am. 
Refereeing is important because people are basically untrustworthy and need someone to keep them in line. Can you imagine a world without referees? No, neither can I. It doesn't bear thinking about. 

My refereeing informs my politics, and that's why I am a Scottish Conservative. Without a strong Westminster government the UK would fall apart. Inferior races like we Scots are simply not capable of organising ourselves. But I don't like to dwell on politics very much, it usually just causes a lot of unpleasantness.  Only recently a car full of complete strangers hurled abuse at me as they drove past, and that had nothing to do with me reporting them for parking illegally, a job every public spirited individual should do with pride, but because they can sense my moral superiority and it threatens them. 



As a child I always wanted to be a policeman. Or a traffic warden at least. But then, isn't it every young lad's dream to put the boot into peace protestors, or should one fail the entrance exam sticking a parking ticket on the windscreen of a disability vehicle? Most of the folk who park in those spaces aren't really disabled, you know. And yet the Scottish Government stubbornly refuses to reduce the number of disabled parking spaces, despite my petition.
Even at my part time job I daydreamed about refereeing.

Sadly my boyhood ambition was not to be. But as an avid admirer of the constabulary I often hang out at the police station to enjoy the atmosphere of order and testosterone. At least I did until the Chief Constable asked me not to.






I stood for the Scottish Parliament because, being a referee on my feet all day it seemed the ideal job, getting paid to sit down for a change in a nice warm comfortable room. Plus expenses. Plus they have SKY Sports on the refectory tv.



At Holyrood the seats are so comfy I didn't bother leaving
the chamber to go to the toilet.













Now I'm important everyone wants a
selfie with me. Like this bloke.
Whoever he is.












But now I'm an MP in the Mother of Parliaments. It's great, I get to go to London just like a real politician. I thought it might be hard at first but if anything it's easier, all I do is walk down the lobby the whips tell me to and say my name.  I don't know what the other MPs make such a fuss about, there's nothing to it. Refereeing is much much harder.
It is always easy to find Ruth's house.

But they won't let me blow my whistle. That's the only down side.

Sunday, 2 July 2017

Sturgeon Forced Into Humiliating O-Turn Over IndyRef

Torygraph exclusive:


SNP leader Nicola Dugdale will soon have to
return to her old job as an engineer.
Theresa May was laughing her designer shoes off last night at the announcement SNP leader Alex Sturgeon has called off her plans to destroy the UK in a humiliating O - turn that has changed nothing.

Said Nicola Salmond: "It's clear from the election result that Ruth Davidson is the person Scots want to lead our country. I'm clearly useless at being First Minister and will tender my resignation as soon as I can figure out how to sign my name. But in the meantime I have binned my plans to wreck Scotland's economy and tear up the United Kingdom because it was clearly a daft idea."

Victorious election winner, Ruth Harrison, sitting astride a large military vehicle, commented: "It's about time the SNP stopped going on and on about another independence referendum that nobody wants. We are all sick of hearing about another independence referendum. If I never hear another word about an independence referendum it will be too soon."

Mrs Sturgeon made her humiliating statement in an address to the Scottish Assembly in Glasgow where it was greeted by cheers from all parties. Scottish Labour leader Jim Murphy said it was a 'great day for Scotland' and Libdem leader Ronnie Corbett could barely speak for laughing. 

'The SNP are thoroughly trounced," added the bloke in the off-license. "That's the last we'll hear of them."  

Saturday, 10 June 2017

Reasons To Be Cheerful

Movie: Brexit, The Movie  starring Meryl Streep.


  Main theme. Titles roll as... A ministerial car with its train of motorcycle outriders sweeps in triumph along the route from Buckingham Palace, passing hordes of cheering crowds waving Union Jacks and throwing flowers into its path.  The car turns into Downing Street where the door opens and we see Theresa May emerge with her husband Philip, waving and greeting the adoring throng. She steps to the microphone, a hush falls over the crowd, and she calmly announces that following her landmark election victory, giving her an unprecedented 200 seat majority, she'd be off to Brussels to negotiate the Hardest of Brexits her adoring public have voted for. To a cacophony of cheers and clicking cameras she graciously disappears into Number 10.

Cut to: Suburban living room, day. A glum faced Jeremy Corbyn, now former Labour leader, watches the live broadcast on his television and wipes away a tear. Where did it all go wrong? 

Cut to: Drawing room of Bute House, Edinburgh. Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon drains her glass of Glenlivet and glares balefully at the reinvigorated Prime Minister preening on her television screen. On the wall behind her, the Election Night constituency map bristles with a forest of little blue flags. On the floor below, the trampled remains of the little yellow SNP flags they have replaced. With her party and cause so comprehensively trounced her position is no longer tenable. How did it all go wrong? She takes up her pen and scratches her signature on her resignation letter.

CUT

OK, that didn't happen. But that was the script the Tories had written and aren't you glad the electorate didn't fall into line? We have a lot to be glad about this weekend.

When I watched Theresa May announce the snap election back in April I felt sick to my stomach. It's taken me until now to work out exactly why I had that emotional reaction. The results in Scotland have been distressing, but when we consider the circumstances they were better than the unionist parties planned.

From the outset the SNP were on the back foot. With the mandate for a second indyref on the table there would be no avoiding the issue in this election campaign. Unionist parties talked of little else, highlighting it relentlessly in their flyers. 'Send a strong message to Nicola Sturgeon - NO SECOND REFERENDUM'. So, like it or not, this would be a de facto referendum, but with the disadvantage that Brexit negotiations have not even begun yet and nobody knows what Brexit will look like, or even if it will ever happen.

Yet despite that the SNP still won the election. The message the unionists so badly wanted us to send to Nicola Sturgeon turned out to be 'We DO want a second referendum'.

Not that the loss of 21 seats doesn't sting a bit, or even a lot. I'm not going to theorise about which groups voted for who and why, there's plenty of that elsewhere. What I will say is the expectation that the SNP could come close to repeating its phenomenal 2015 win was completely unrealistic. 

In 2015 we saw a 'perfect storm' for the SNP. The indyref was only a few months past, feelings on the issue still ran high. Expectations about the now discredited 'Vow' and subsequent Smith Commission gave the SNP a unique selling point of 'holding Westminster's feet to the fire' in delivering new powers. We'd seen the departure of Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont, damagingly complaining about the UK party treating Slab as a 'branch office'. Bitterness about Labour's role in Better Together, their uncharismatic new leader Jim Murphy, all contributed to the collapse of its vote. In stark contrast to the incumbents the new SNP candidates seemed young and energetic, a breath of fresh air. And the attractive new SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon wiped the floor with her rivals in televised debates.

This time round the odds were not so favourably stacked. Once bitten, twice shy, the unionist parties pulled out all stops to make damn sure they regained some ground, with not a little help from a sympathetic media and underhand tactical voting. Issues were helpfully muddied as the SNP was constantly attacked on irrelevant Holyrood policy rather than UK wide issues.  

Yet, despite the weight of all that, they still returned a very respectable 35 MPs. And given the hung parliament those 35 will likely wield more influence than the 56 in the previous parliament. Brexit still looms and May will find it harder to get parliamentary approval for whatever deal she brokers. Deals will be offered, concessions will be demanded. That's not a bad place for the SNP to be.

So, a day on from the election result I'm finding reasons to be cheerful that May was denied her landslide. And if the SNP lost theirs, well maybe that was a price worth paying.



Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Mystic Sandra's Election Forecast

So the Election Day countdown begins. Are you getting excited yet? Or even mildly curious about the eventual outcome of this very peculiar election campaign where no two polls seem to agree about anything?

Well you should be. Because this is likely to be a defining moment in British history. In years to come, college lecturers yet unborn will  scribble "8 June 2017" onto whiteboards before their comatose classes and circle the date so emphatically their magic markers will squeak in protest.

"This day," they will say, "was the Beginning of the End."

Or not. Who knows? Certainly not the polls.

You'd have thought with such a disastrous campaign Treeza Mayhem would have blown her chances of being returned with the landslide majority she clearly anticipated. Not many prospective PMs have U-turned on their manifesto promises before the actual election. Mind you, not many prospective PMs had the dumbfuckery to put such suicidal policies as the Dementia Tax in the bloody manifesto to start with. It really is a corker. After half a century of telling the electorate they weren't worth a tuppenny damn unless they owned their own home, after assiduously encouraging them to scrape and starve to pay off a fucking mortgage just to live up to that ideal, after assuring them it was all worth it because they'd have something to pass on to their loved ones when they were gone. After all that up they pop without a word of warning and whip the old Homestead out from under their devoted core voters to pay their social care bill. And even more astonishing was May's clueless reaction to the predictable horror with which this proposal was met. Such a monumental level of political ineptitude has caused some to suspect she's deliberately hobbling her own chances to get out of the poison chalice of Brexit negotiations.

So, you'd have thought she'd be toast by this time. But tory voters are nothing if not resilient. Most of them would gladly pay the dementia tax and sell their own offspring into slavery to keep Corbyn out of Downing Street. So with the polls giving us no clue we can only turn to the ancient art of scrying, which is what I did.

First up is the traditional crystal ball. I'm getting ...someone with blonde hair. Boris for PM? No, high heels as well. So who does that leave? Anna Soubry? Esther McVile is standing too, I'm told. Or maybe that mop haired prat whatsisname...Michael Fabricant.  Shit, I'm not very good at this. Maybe because my crystal ball is less a crystal ball and more the side of a chrome kettle. 

Never mind, there's always the tarot cards. First card up is the Devil.  Hmm. Could be anyone. Although he does look a bit like Treeza doing one of her girning faces. According to my Dummies Guide that means greed and attachment to worldly wealth. Definitely a tory then. Next card is the nine of swords...the nightmare card. Chances of a tory increasing. Bloody hell, I don't think I want to look at another one.

Ah, well. If all else fails try the tea leaves. I've got two lumps, one big and one small. Could be UK leaving the EU? Or Scotland leaving the UK? Or maybe I should just stick to tea bags in future.

So, as you can see fortune telling is no easier to interpret than the polls. But in the spirit of blagging something to finish this blog, here is..

Mystic Sandra's Prediction for the 2017 General Election 
A tory win, but with a majority reduced to one. Before tory central office have popped the first bottle of champers Mayhem will be unceremoniously dumped and replaced by someone much more charismatic like Boorish or Hammond or the Downing Street cat. Such will be the bitter in-fighting in the leadership contest we could even end up with someone outrageous like Baroness Mone or Roof Davidson, neither of whom are MPs but by this point nobody would care. After six months of clusterfuck u-turns and a No Deal Brexit disaster the country will be plunged into eye watering recession. The social care crisis and Dementia Tax issue will be solved overnight as greedy relatives bump off granny and make her into soup as they can no longer afford to buy Campbell's cockaleekie which by now costs £1000 per can. Brexiteers will be lynched and hung from street corner lamp posts and the furious masses will rise up and storm the gates of Downing Street demanding yet another election which will see Comrade Corbyn sweep to a landslide victory before he is assassinated by infuriated Blairites and replaced by an iPad.

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

That Theresa May Leader Interview in Full

Andrew (hopefully soon to be Lord Brillo) Neil: Mrs Mayhem, why have you crashed and burned so spectacularly in the polls?

Treeza Mayhem: It's very simple, Andrew. This election is about trust, and clearly nobody in their right mind trusts Corbyn.

AN: Isn't it right that you went off half cock with a lot of half baked manifesto promises you've now had to go back on?

TM: Well, what I'm finding on the doorsteps is the whole country is concerned about how dreadful Corbyn would be as PM.

AN: Don't give me that bollocks. Your manifesto is a pile of crap, isn't it? And it's so rubbish you've had to U turn on social care.

TM: Nothing has changed, Andrew. What I find talking to people on the doorstep is they want a leader they can trust. We have taken all the steps necessary to create a strong and stable government that can manage a strong and stable economy and not the disaster that would befall us under the evil terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn. 


Controversial tory manifesto
pledge to cap Corbyn.
AN: But it has changed. You've introduced a cap. What will be the cap?

TM: Well, Andrew. What I find is the people of Britain expect a good British cap. So when we finally decide what cap it will be you can be sure it will the right strong and stable cap for Britain, and not that trotskyist cap Corbyn's always wearing. 

AN: Your party has run the economy into the ground. Why should anyone trust you?

TM: Well, what we find is people need strong and stable leadership they can trust, and elections are about making decisions. More ordinary working British people are just about managing thanks to my plan for a strong and stable economy. Which is more than you can say for Corbyn who just wants to give all our nuclear weapons to the IRA.

Coming up later on BBC 1:

The Darling U-Turns of May

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Theresa's Secret Election Diary

Monday

Elections are about decisions. One has to weigh up all the pros and cons very carefully. Which is why I spent half the morning trying to choose between the Jimmy Choo patent leather kitten heels and the Valentino slingbacks. In the end I ditched both in favour of the Versace pumps, mainly because when you face a tough day at the coal face of photo ops comfort really counts.

Tuesday
Three hours on the phone last night. What a nuisance Ruth Davidson is becoming. That's the trouble with encouraging her sort, they haven't the good taste to know when friendliness becomes stalking.  It's my own fault, of course. I should never have invited her to my little do at Crathes. The things one has to do for the Party. Unfortunately she now thinks we're best mates. 

Lynton says it's no bad thing to be photographed next to someone with less dress sense than Worzel Gummidge. Easy for him, he doesn't have to put up with her endless TA anecdotes. And her pathetic desire to please it starting to get on my nerves.  I've told him straight, if she says "Dinnae worry, Treeza, ah'll soart oot the Nats fur ye" one more time I may just lose my cool.

I've a horrid suspicion she's angling to get invited back to Checkers post election. No Thank You Very Much. Once was more than enough. Stomping up and down in her Doc Martins, leaving muddy boot prints all over the Chippendale furniture. And sitting up till all hours drinking brown ale and having farting competitions with the domestic staff. I've known dogs with better manners.


Wednesday
Everyone's been phoning to say what a triumph Philip and my appearance on the One Show was. I have to say I took some convincing, but Lynton assured me it would be relatively painless. "I've taken care of everything. Just remember to smile and relax and be yourself."

Easy for him to say. I haven't a minute to 'be myself' and when I do it rarely involves smiling. So he organised some 'smile coaching' from a toothy Australian called Barb. After a week of that my face is in agony and I shall probably never smile again. "No change there, then," quipped Philip.

Anyway the One Show malarkey was relatively painless, apart from the facial rictus, and after Philip's astonishing claim to five million viewers that he takes the bins out I can let the Polish girl go.


Thursday
My post One Show glow didn't last long. Still feeling flush and emboldened I foolishly let my guard down and ventured out to where the public were at large only to be ambushed by a complete nobody, whining about her disability allowance being taken away and what was I going to do about it. I mean really. Don't these people think I have enough serious business to deal with without having to hear the mundane details of their dreary lives? 

And she didn't look very disabled to me, although I was the soul of tact, managing to appear concerned despite the fact absolutely NOBODY was taking any notice of my Vivien Westwood jacket. I sometimes wonder why I bother.

Friday
Honestly if I never have to fight another election it'll be too soon. Lynton booked me onto a thing called 'Facebook', which is an internet thingy for youngsters and layabouts with nothing better to do than send each other pictures of their cats. Seeing I was less than enthusiastic about the idea he roped in his old mate Peston to field the questions, a handy way to filter out the dross and awkward bits, or so he claimed. 

"Just remember the magic words" he said, for the umpteenth time. Then he got that headmaster look in his eye. "What are the magic words?"

"Strong and Stable, Sir" I said.

"Good. Don't forget to get them into every answer. If you dry up Bob's been prepped to give you a cue. OK?"

So it all sounded straightforward, and started out plain sailing. Just as I was starting to get bored up pops Comrade Corbyn with one of his cheeky 'when are you going to start doing something for poor people instead of your rich city mates' questions. You'd have thought they would have kept the riffraff out for the main attraction but apparently anyone can go on this Bookface thingy. Sometimes I really do pine for my quiet life at the Home Office.

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Guest Post: Newly Elected Conservative Councillor Brian McDamage

Fuck off. It's coonsellor Brian McDamage to you, mate. Following ma historic victory kickin' the shit oot o' the SNP.

Here's ma victory speech:

Get tae fuck, get tae fuck, get tae fuck
Get tae fuck, get tae fuck, get tae fuck
Get tae fuck, get tae fuck,
Nikla Sturjin get tae fuck

Here's me on ma way to the hustings. Clock the yoonyin jacks. That means British first an' last. Foreign scum can get tae fuck.

To be honest it was a bit disappointin' when we got there. Ah took ma knuckledusters, thinkin' it'd be a great chance to put the boot in, but some fella in a suit said that's no' allowed, just say yer piece. Well ah didnae bring a piece so instead I stood up an' telt them about how ah hate the SNP an' we're no' havin' any mair Referendums an fuck the fuckin' Eeyoo an' a' they fuckin' foreigners can get tae fuck.  An' fuck me if they didnae elect me onyway.

See the tories, ah fuckin' love them noo. Ah aye thot they were just a bunch o' wankers, poncin' aboot in their posh suits, stopping' yer dole an' my girlfriend Chelsea's housin' benefit an' tax credits an' thanks tae the fuckin' rape clause she'll no' let me near her in case she gets up the duff again. But they telt me it's no' like before, it's "Roof Davisons Scottish Conservatives" an' that Roof Davisons seems like a sound bloke, drivin' aroon' in tanks an' putting' the boot intae Nikla Sturjin a' the time. An' noo ah'm a coonsillor ah'll no' be needing' the dole anyway.

So noo ah've got tae hang aboot at the City Chambers an have meetins an' decide stuff an' that. Ah'm no sayin' it'll no be a challenge, ken, cos ah've never hud a job for mair than a week. Shood be a laff,  an' if ah get a chance ah'll put the boot in the SNP.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Labour Can Win Every Seat In Scotland, Says Kezia Desmond

" Scottish Labour has always been big," said party leader, Kezia Desmond, posing on the grand staircase at Labour's headquarters on Sunset Boulevard. "It's Scotland that got small."

Dugmond was answering questions on the future of her party's Scottish Branch Office following its trouncing in last week's local elections. "Labour is now the second party in Scotland," she said,  going on to explain that by 'second' she meant 'second to the runners up, the Ruth Davidson UKIP Memorial Party'.

"The SNP are in steep decline," said Desdale. "They can barely scrape together enough votes to take over from Labour in councils the length and breadth of the country. And by country I mean the United Kingdom which Scotland will always be a part of. The SNP are finished. Nobody votes for them any more. It's only a matter of days, or even hours, or even minutes before Scotland rejects them completely and comes flocking back to Labour. We are confident of winning every seat in Scotland. The surge is coming. I can hear it when I'm lying awake in my bed at night. The roar of the crowd, the adoring fans, the swell of the orchestra. Yes. They're still out there, all those Labour voters. They're coming. Those wonderful Labour voters out there in the dark. ...Alright Mr Roden, I'm ready for my close up."


Sunday, 16 April 2017

Murdo Fraser; A Life in Pictures



Gorgeous, eh?
I have this one framed on my desk because it captures the very essence of landowning gentility I aspire to. There isn't a Sunday goes by you won't catch me posing against a fence with a loch somewhere in the background.



But here I am hard at work at the Day Job.
Politics is my life and I see my role as tackling the Scottish Government at every opportunity, whether it's the cut and thrust of the debating chamber or making halfwitted jibes on Twitter. Here I am looking suitably smug that my devastating wit and repartee has left the chamber in fits of helpless laughter, as usual.





Here I am in more reflective mood, on this occasion wondering whether I left the iron on.

Here is my favourite tv show, Outriders.  Not many people know I very nearly auditioned for the hero's role and with my good looks and charisma would most certainly have been cast had the producer not insisted on some actor instead.






One of the perks of my job is getting to meet all sorts of foreign dignitaries.
Here I am with President Putin of Russia who was droning on about his fly fishing exploits. I wasn't as impressed with him as he was with me, as you can probably tell from my expression.




One great honour in my life was being introduced to Her Majesty. She is actually much shorter in real life, and has to stand on a box just to be visible in this photograph.






Note to self: not a good idea to cut your own hair.






This is my all time political hero, Michael Portillo. Like him, I have suffered electoral defeat. And far more times than him, making me much much better than him in every way. Yet thanks to the incomprehensible Holyrood voting system I still retain my seat, and lucky for Scotland that I do!







Who ate all the strawberries?

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Brexit: Whatever Next?

Brillo: Good evening, your Royal Toryness, and thank you most profoundly for agreeing to this interview on what has to be the most momentous day in the history of Englandland.

Treeza Maybe: You're welcome, Andrew. And please stop kissing my feet, it makes me uncomfortable.

Brillo: Tell us, Prime Minister, why did you campaign for Remain when you knew full well the European Union is an invention of the Devil?

TM: It is true I campaigned for Remain, as did many on both sides of the House and of the debate. But this isn't a time for recrimination. The nation has spoken. We have to move forward and come together as One Nation to get the best deal out of those slimy foreigners who've been holding us back long enough.

Brillo: Thank you for that answer. And now, if it isn't too much trouble, would you outline to our viewers what your next move will be?

TM: Can I say at the outset I do not intend to give a blow by blow account. To ensure we get the best possible deal for every single person in the UK the negotiations will have to be conducted in complete secrecy. In fact, the Brexit Secretary and other colleagues already haven't a clue what they are talking about, and this is hopefully how things will continue. Only in this manner can we be assured of reaching the best possible deal and avoiding any scrutiny, for which I make no apology.

Brillo: And how do you feel about having to spend time with those revolting EU negotiators?

TM:  Well, a Prime Minister's job isn't always pleasant. To quote a predecessor, I may be a weak and feeble woman but I have the heart and stomach of a lion.

Brillo: And marvellous you are too. Especially the legs. You beat that harpy Sturgeon hands down.

TM: Thank you. Of course I'm not at all concerned with appearances, but that was the effect I was going for. If she thinks she can get a referendum past me she can think again. She can't even win on the legs.

Brillo: (Drooling) Thank you, thank you, thank you. So, would you clarify for our viewers what the Great Repeal Bill is?

TM: No. It's very complicated and technical and it would only confuse them to even try and understand.

Brillo: Fair enough. And what about the Henry the Eighth Powers?

TM: Yes, that was Boris's idea. I don't read any history but apparently there was once a king of England called Henry the Eighth and he didn't bother with parliament, he just told people what to do and they either did it or were burned at the stake. So you can see why we all thought that would be a refreshing change from all the pointless argy-bargy in the House of Commons.

Brillo: I see. Well that sounds clear enough. Which leaves me with only one more question: when will I get my peerage?

TM: Now is not the time, Andrew.

Brillo: Ooh, I love it when she talks tough.

Monday, 13 March 2017

Are You Addicted To The UK?

Our resident Agony Aunt writes:

Recently I found this heart rending letter in my mailbag:

Dear Auntie Sandra, 
I would dearly love to live in an independent Scotland, but I just can't break my addiction to the United Kingdom. Every time I think of joining the SNP or voting Yes I come out in cold sweats and trembling with horrible images of Jim Sillars and Alistair Darling on my television set. Please help,Desperate of Larbert 
 Shocking as it may seem, Desperate of Larbert's addiction is not at all uncommon. But sadly, because of the shame associated with it, many hide their symptoms from family and friends, making it almost impossible to get them the help they so desperately need.

So, how do you know if you or someone close to you is a Yoon addict?

You may quite like day trips to London and watching the Changing of the Guard, but does that mean you are addicted?

Like all addictions, there are varying degrees of dependancy, but generally speaking it is only when it interferes with your ability to do what is best for Scotland that it is considered an addiction.

Let's look at a typical case. K is a young healthy woman in her thirties living a normal life as leader of Scottish Labour. It would never occur to her to do anything to harm Scotland, but on the issue of a second independence referendum her attitude is completely irrational. She would do anything to prevent a vote,  even if it saved her country from the disaster of continued Tory rule and a hard Brexit.

Another case is W., whose addiction has reached such an extreme stage he is now making frankly insane claims that 'the SNP didn't win the 2016 election' and 'the Libdems speak for the people of Scotland'.

Of course, not all addicts exhibit such extreme symptoms. Other common tell-tale signs are:

Call 999 immediately if you dress like this.

  • displaying or dressing up in the Union Jack 


  • whistling God Save The Queen in the shower


  • joining Scotland In Union


  • ranting incoherently about GERS figures, even when you don't even know what they are


So, what should you do if you or a friend are addicted?

Of course, the most extreme cases should always seek professional help, but for the milder Yoon addict here's my...

Cut-Out-And-Keep-Guide to curing your Yoon Addiction: 


  1. Make a list of all the things that annoy you about the Union. Whether it's unelected tory governments overruling the Scottish parliament and reneging on The Vow, or online abuse from swivel eyed Brexiteers, keep your list pinned where you can see it often. (It will probably be quite long so make sure you have a large sheet of paper).
  2. Make a plan of all the things Scotland will be free to do if it were an independent country. Like, allowing foreigners to come here or getting the government we vote for. (Again, this will likely be a long list).  Imagine how empowered you will feel, knowing your vote counts and your representative won't just be laughed out of parliament for having a silly accent.
  3. Remove all newspapers, tv and radio until you have the situation under control. Experts believe 99.9% of Yoon addiction is caused by exposure to biased pro-Yoon media, and the remaining 0.1% from being invited to a royal garden party.
  4. Join a support group. Seek out Yes groups in your area, and if you're feeling strong enough read pro-Indy blogs like Wings over Scotland. But steer clear of social media until you feel past the point of relapse as they are hotspots of Yoon craziness.
  5. Tell your friends and family. This may be hard, especially if they are addicts too, but who knows you might even inspire them to get themselves clean too!

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Guest Post: Melanie Phillips

I have never been approached, but were I invited onto I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here I would decline. Not simply for the reason that such exploitative television is eroding our cultural heritage, but for the personal reason that I refuse under any circumstances to eat baked beans. My aversion dates from the discovery that baked beans are the Obamas' light meal of choice.  I once sat next to Michele Obama at an awards ceremony and was appalled to witness America's First Lady embarrass herself by asking the waiter for a plate of baked beans. It was no pleasure to sit and watch the ignominious spectacle of her shovelling beans into her face. She went on to compound the humiliation by mopping up the sauce with a bagel.

Of course the British Empire never really ended. It is not politically correct to say this, or to acknowledge that Great Britons still control most of the globe through trade and security. But we should be eternally grateful for it. Thanks to people like Tony Blair this has had a weakening influence on the evil rise of Islam. Sadly he was unique among British politicians in having such a clear purpose of demolishing the greatest threat to western democracy. At least we could sleep a little more securely during his tenure.

It is with enormous relief that I hear the Dubs amendment has been defeated. What a horrendous prospect, all those budding terrorists flooding into our precious sceptred isle, like a million sleeper suicide bombers. If we Brits have any fault it is in being too trusting, too generous and welcoming. Thankfully Theresa May's government is putting a stop to that.

We should all be concerned with the disturbing rise of racism in the UK. I refer of course to Scottish separatism, really a thinly veiled attack on the softhearted English who have subsidised their feeble minded northern neighbours for far too long.  Kilts and shortbread were English inventions, and Mel Gibson wasn't even born in Scotland, so these deluded fanatics have no grounds to claim sovereignty over a few barren moors and the odd mountain.

It's undoubtedly the failings of our abysmal education system that have fostered these troublesome nationalists. Hopefully Mrs May will get to grips with this and see that English dominance is more clearly emphasised in the classroom. The next generation of Scots and Irish must be made to realise their subordinate status and accept it with humility if our precious Union is to be preserved. 

Saturday, 4 March 2017

That May Speech - the leaked first draft

Bloody hell, whose idea was it to book a venue ten sizes too big?. Good attention grabber, but something a bit more formal might play better. How about 'It's a great pleasure to be here in - where is it, again?'

Last year the Tories in Scotland finally kicked Labour into third place. Thanks mainly to the hard work of my dear friend, Ruth Harridan. Pretty sure it's Harrison? Get the intern to check. Since when she's been stuffing the SNP big time.  Good crowd pleaser, but don't give her too much credit. Your job's not that secure. And although we only have one MP in Scotland, luckily David Mundell is blessed with super powers and can leap tall buildings at a single bound. Are you taking his word for this? Better check it out.

The SNP are rubbish. All they ever do is fail at government. Scottish schools are nearly as bad as English ones. Might be best not to mention English schools at all. How about somewhere too far away for anyone to know better? Like Estonia? And they can't pay farm subsidies on time. What's worse, they don't like nukes and run their NHS more efficiently than we do. All of this means they are unfit to govern and I intend to take these powers away from them as soon as possible. Because we can't have a situation where Scotland is doing better at things than Westminster. People might realise how useless we are. Might be better to go for the "obsessed with independence" angle?

Scottish people deserve a First Minister who is focussed on delivering what I think they should have"What they need". Because devolution is all very well when the devolved administration takes its orders from Westminster, the way it was originally intended. If it starts to do what the people want, then it becomes a threat to our precious union, and then it must be smashed to pieces for the good of all. "brought into closer harmony with the national government"

Because as British Prime Minister my power base is all that matters to me. We can't have bits of the UK opting out whenever they feel like it. Devolution was a catastrophic mistake that must be corrected. Scotland doesn't vote Conservative so it doesn't deserve a say in anything.  Might be best to tone this down. Emphasise the "precious union" and "mutual benefits of one people".

Britannia has a proud history of beating all the dirty foreigners into submission.  Don't dwell too much on the Empire, it could backfire PC-wise. Scotland can't deny it played a part in that, so your hands are as bloody as ours and we have to stick together for all eternity.  A tad jingoistic? Emphasise the shared tradition, get the intern to look up some Scottish achievements from the past, and doesn't that Harry Potter woman live in Edinburgh?

Britannia can be great again, in our new post-Brexit World of Opportunity. All the SNP want to do is pull Britain apart, which is why we intend to throw them all into internment camps as soon as we've abolished the Human Rights Act. Might be too soon for this announcement. Stick to business benefits, security, all that guff. NB Gordon got some good use out of "pooling and sharing" and "the broad shoulders of the UK".

Scotland has been allowed to get away with doing things better than us for long enough. Sod democracy, you're going to shut up and do what you're told. This is a fine sentiment but remember it's all the SNP's fault. Emphasise how they are "holding back" Scotland. Should play better in the business community.

Monday, 27 February 2017

Shock At Corbyn's Oscars Gaff

The world of entertainment was reeling yesterday as Jeremy Corbyn accidentally handed the Most Credible Political Party Oscar to the SNP by mistake.

 The Academy audience of stars and celebrities had already begun to heartily applaud before the gaff was noticed and the red faced joke Labour leader hastily corrected his error. 

"I want to congratulate our SNP," he said, little realising that he was supposed to big up his own party who are currently running a feeble third to the SNP's widespread popularity.

The gaff followed close on the heels of London Mayor Sadiq Khan's controversial speech accusing nationalists of discriminating against Scots. "I'm not saying the SNP are racists," Khan hastily added in a feeble attempt to staunch the media onslaught. "It's just that they clearly are and everyone knows it."


Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Introducing the New Improved BBC Jockland!

Scotland was reeling in gratitude today at the announcement BBC Scotland is to be replaced by a new improved version, BBC Jockland.

Said Director General Tony Hall, "We've had a whip round and thanks to the extraordinary generosity of people south of the border we can now spend a few more bob on the BBC Scotland budget. This represents a coup for Scottish broadcasting as it means we can spring for a few added extras, like a new frock for Jackie Bird and extended coverage of the BBC Jockland Hogmanay Special, despite the fact hardly anyone watches it.

"People in North Britain should be grateful, and stop complaining about the BBC which we know they actually love really. It is my hope this gesture will make them realise what a national treasure the BBC is and cough up their license fee like decent people in the rest of Britain."

New shows, reflecting the culture of modern Scotland, are already in the pipeline and should go to air in time to nobble the next Independence Referendum.

The Great Scottish Rip-Off

Loosely based on The Great British Bake-Off, Director General Tony Hall has only six weeks to convince a team of ordinary Scots viewers that his revamped TV channel represents value for their license fee money, despite investment lagging behind Wales and Northern Ireland.


Neil Oliver's History of Jockland



Filmed entirely on location in New Zealand, Scotland's favourite long-haired pretend historian walks around a lot looking sidelong at the camera and complaining about how nationalism has ruined his native country.






Who Do These Jocks Think They Are?

Each week a well known Scottish expatriate explores their Scottish roots while explaining why they couldn't wait to leave and now hate being reminded of it. Guests lined up so far: Michele Mone and Andrew Neil.




Monday, 20 February 2017

Guest Post: Unionist Brian McDamage Makes The Case For the Union

See that Nikla Sturjin? What a fuckin' state, eh? Walking aroon like Jimmy fuckin' Kranky.
Whae dis she think she is? Eh?
Furst minister, is it? Tell ye what, ah'd gie her a guid doin' if she came roon' here, walkin' aroon in they tartan fuckin' shooz and talkin' about Indyref2 a' the time, gets oan ma tits, so it does.

They fuckin' nashnalists, what a fuckin' state, eh? A' their fuckin' lies about livin' aff the oil an' that.
Pile o' keech.
The oil's no' worth hardly nothin' these days, dae they think we're daft or suhum?
That fuckin Sammin kens fine well we'd be up the swanny wi'oot a lifeboat.
Fat lot that pie muncher cares, he's aye on the golf course wi' his best mate Trump. No' him who'd be aff the dole.

An' thon Sturjin's niver aff the telly. Thought the pie muncher was bad but she's fuckin' worse, gaun oan aboot the Eeyoo an' lettin' a' thae foreigners in an' that. Takin' oor joabs.
No mine. Ah'm oan the Disability like, cozzy ma depreshin, it's right depressin' gettin' sacked fae every joab fer nickin' stuff aff the buildin' site.
But they'd be efter ma joab if ah fuckin' hud wan.
So whatthefuck diz she want to be in the Eeyoo fur? They're a' terrorists anyway.

So the guys roond the pub reckon there'll be another Indyref2 cozzy Brexit, annat.
An' my Nan's a' 'Oh, no! Whit the fuck dae they want to bring that up again fer?'
But I'm furrit.
Fuckin'. bring. it. oan.
Nothin' ah like better than mashin' up fuckin' nashnalists on the weekends.
Fuckin' Bravehearts, cannae fight for toffee.
Maist a' them are wummin an' the wans that arny might as well be, they fuckin' run awa' an' greet like wummin.
That's why I fuckin' hate them.

Independence. Fuckin' pish.

Friday, 20 January 2017

Jeremy Corbyn's Address To Scotland

Hello. I'm Jeremy. Some of you may have seen me on your television set, those of you who can afford one out of your benefits. Though I know that won't be many of you since the evil Tory government started squeezing welfare in the name of a thing called "Austerity". That's a big word that means there isn't enough money to go around, especially to subsidise layabouts in far flung places like this. But as Labour leader you can rest assured I'm determined to stop that and see you get a bob or two more each week to help pay for your deep fried Mars Bars and heroin.

We in Labour have always had a close relationship with Scotland. For years we relied on your loyalty to elect us into government. In recent years that hasn't been happening so much, mainly because of an evil force called the SNP. These bad people have been up to all sorts of wicked tricks. Like spending all the block grant in Scotland on things like prescription charges, tuition fees and infrastructure projects. And because of these tricks, some of you might have thought they are the best people to vote for in elections. And let's face it an awful lot of you have been stupid enough to fall for this nonsense.

The latest lie the SNP are putting about is that Scotland should leave the United Kingdom. I'm here today to warn you what a terrible thing that would be for Scotland. As you know the oil revenue has very nearly run out, so without the hefty subsidies from the generous people south of the border you'd never be able to scrape together enough bawbees to afford your deep fried Mars Bars and heroin. Not only that, you'd be cast out of Europe and probably the civilised world for being too backward and embarrassing. So you wouldn't get any handouts there either. No, I'm afraid there's just no way a place like Scotland could ever run its own affairs and that's why you need to stop voting for those liars in the SNP and go back to electing complacent Labour MPs who sit on their arses and vote along with the tory government.

Don't rock the boat. Things are bad enough already with Brexit. It's looking more and more like Britain is going to be an utter shit house for a long time. The last thing you want is to make things worse by annoying Mrs May who has a heck of a temper, let me tell you. And who knows, maybe one of these days Labour will be in power again and things can be just the way they used to be in the Good Old Days. Now, that's something to look forward to, isn't it?