Thursday, 14 July 2016

Boris's Guide To Johnny Foreigner

It was never about my career. The whole reason I supported Brexit was to make England great again. Because England is the greatest country on God's Green Earth, bar none.

Some of you have reacted less than enthusiastically to my elevation to Foreign Secretary which I must say is entirely unfair. I'm a cosmopolitan renaissance man from way back. Just because I'm a staunch lover of all things English doesn't mean I can't enjoy all the attractions of the wider world, as I'm frequently telling my Thai masseuse.  I drink Italian coffee, happily munch my way through Chinese and Indian takeaways, and always have a French letter in my breast pocket.

But of course, being Foreign Sec means having to deal with Johnny Foreigner himself. And that's a whole other kettle of ballgames. Because your Foreigner isn't like an Englishman. There are profound differences that need to be overcome if meaningful dialogue can occur. And it's not just the fact that some of them are too lazy to learn English. They have odd habits, and can be bloody minded to the point of rudeness.  Honestly, I've met some of them so I know what I'm talking about.

Luckily, I'm just the man to know how to handle them which is probably why our latest hot totty PM couldn't wait to get on the blower and get me on board. Here's my guide to Johnny Foreigner:

Barely foreign, in fact apart from the duskier hued and hispanics, they could almost be English except for their stubborn refusal to spell words like colour and aluminium correctly.

Lazy, duplicitous cowards. Also appallingly ungrateful for the fact England baled them out of two world wars. If it wasn't for the cheese and wine I'd avoid them entirely.

Best avoided as they have a lot of gibberish languages and chips on their shoulders and make an awful fuss about running mumbo jumbo land when everyone knows England ran it miles better.

Damn cheek, the arrogance of the Germans knows no bounds. They even think they are entitled to run Europe which is the main reason I supported Brexit. Who won the bloody war?!

Even lazier and more cowardly than the French, if that's at all possible.

Say what you like about the towel heads, they do know how to keep order. We could do with a bit more amputation in our criminal justice system.

Ungrateful drunkards, constantly whining despite England's overly indulgent generosity. And hardly ever sober enough to stand up straight.

Friday, 8 July 2016

Guest Post: Tony Blair

Look, I’m not one to blow my own trumpet. Although, let’s face it, I was without a doubt the most successful Prime Minister Britain ever had. I won three successive elections, almost singlehandedly. During my time as the greatest Labour leader I reformed my party beyond recognition. And as the cleverest, most dynamic Prime Minister ever I reformed the United Kingdom beyond recognition. But I’d never boast about any of that because that’s the kind of guy I am.

Look, I’m always asked how I did it. ‘How did you singlehandedly reform the Western World beyond recognition, Tony?’ people always ask. And it’s not an easy question to answer. Hell, it wasn’t easy to do. There are always plenty of reasons not to do things.  ‘Don’t invade Iraq, Tony’ practically everyone said. ‘It’ll be a complete catastrophe.’ But you can’t listen to the naysayers. In this job, you have to trust your instincts. You have to do what you know is right, even when you know it’s probably wrong. And where are all those naysayers now?

Look, I took a lot of stick for going into Iraq. That Chilcot’s a pretty decent bloke, and that Inquiry he did was a pretty good effort. I’d have struggled to do a better job myself. But he wasn’t there. He wasn’t sitting where I was sitting. It’s hard to do the right thing even when everyone else knows it's wrong, let me tell you. Sure, I made mistakes. If anyone can name one I'll be the first to be sorry for it.  But nobody ever got it right without being wrong.  

Look, I didn’t have to tell parliament about the WMD, but I did because it was the right thing to do, and that’s the kind of guy I am.  Sure, I probably should have listened to all the experts who said there weren't any, but hindsight is twenty twenty.  I knew they were there, and I had to make that decision. Being the boss isn't easy, you know. It's a burden I bore with pride, the pride of being the greatest leader the world has ever seen. But no one should think it's easy, 'cos let me tell you it ain't.

Look, the trouble is, it doesn’t matter how bloody great you are, you’ll always be judged on your mistakes. That’s the truth. Even if you don’t make any.