Monday, 13 March 2017

Are You Addicted To The UK?

Our resident Agony Aunt writes:

Recently I found this heart rending letter in my mailbag:

Dear Auntie Sandra, 
I would dearly love to live in an independent Scotland, but I just can't break my addiction to the United Kingdom. Every time I think of joining the SNP or voting Yes I come out in cold sweats and trembling with horrible images of Jim Sillars and Alistair Darling on my television set. Please help,Desperate of Larbert 
 Shocking as it may seem, Desperate of Larbert's addiction is not at all uncommon. But sadly, because of the shame associated with it, many hide their symptoms from family and friends, making it almost impossible to get them the help they so desperately need.

So, how do you know if you or someone close to you is a Yoon addict?

You may quite like day trips to London and watching the Changing of the Guard, but does that mean you are addicted?

Like all addictions, there are varying degrees of dependancy, but generally speaking it is only when it interferes with your ability to do what is best for Scotland that it is considered an addiction.

Let's look at a typical case. K is a young healthy woman in her thirties living a normal life as leader of Scottish Labour. It would never occur to her to do anything to harm Scotland, but on the issue of a second independence referendum her attitude is completely irrational. She would do anything to prevent a vote,  even if it saved her country from the disaster of continued Tory rule and a hard Brexit.

Another case is W., whose addiction has reached such an extreme stage he is now making frankly insane claims that 'the SNP didn't win the 2016 election' and 'the Libdems speak for the people of Scotland'.

Of course, not all addicts exhibit such extreme symptoms. Other common tell-tale signs are:

Call 999 immediately if you dress like this.

  • displaying or dressing up in the Union Jack 

  • whistling God Save The Queen in the shower

  • joining Scotland In Union

  • ranting incoherently about GERS figures, even when you don't even know what they are

So, what should you do if you or a friend are addicted?

Of course, the most extreme cases should always seek professional help, but for the milder Yoon addict here's my...

Cut-Out-And-Keep-Guide to curing your Yoon Addiction: 

  1. Make a list of all the things that annoy you about the Union. Whether it's unelected tory governments overruling the Scottish parliament and reneging on The Vow, or online abuse from swivel eyed Brexiteers, keep your list pinned where you can see it often. (It will probably be quite long so make sure you have a large sheet of paper).
  2. Make a plan of all the things Scotland will be free to do if it were an independent country. Like, allowing foreigners to come here or getting the government we vote for. (Again, this will likely be a long list).  Imagine how empowered you will feel, knowing your vote counts and your representative won't just be laughed out of parliament for having a silly accent.
  3. Remove all newspapers, tv and radio until you have the situation under control. Experts believe 99.9% of Yoon addiction is caused by exposure to biased pro-Yoon media, and the remaining 0.1% from being invited to a royal garden party.
  4. Join a support group. Seek out Yes groups in your area, and if you're feeling strong enough read pro-Indy blogs like Wings over Scotland. But steer clear of social media until you feel past the point of relapse as they are hotspots of Yoon craziness.
  5. Tell your friends and family. This may be hard, especially if they are addicts too, but who knows you might even inspire them to get themselves clean too!

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Guest Post: Melanie Phillips

I have never been approached, but were I invited onto I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here I would decline. Not simply for the reason that such exploitative television is eroding our cultural heritage, but for the personal reason that I refuse under any circumstances to eat baked beans. My aversion dates from the discovery that baked beans are the Obamas' light meal of choice.  I once sat next to Michele Obama at an awards ceremony and was appalled to witness America's First Lady embarrass herself by asking the waiter for a plate of baked beans. It was no pleasure to sit and watch the ignominious spectacle of her shovelling beans into her face. She went on to compound the humiliation by mopping up the sauce with a bagel.

Of course the British Empire never really ended. It is not politically correct to say this, or to acknowledge that Great Britons still control most of the globe through trade and security. But we should be eternally grateful for it. Thanks to people like Tony Blair this has had a weakening influence on the evil rise of Islam. Sadly he was unique among British politicians in having such a clear purpose of demolishing the greatest threat to western democracy. At least we could sleep a little more securely during his tenure.

It is with enormous relief that I hear the Dubs amendment has been defeated. What a horrendous prospect, all those budding terrorists flooding into our precious sceptred isle, like a million sleeper suicide bombers. If we Brits have any fault it is in being too trusting, too generous and welcoming. Thankfully Theresa May's government is putting a stop to that.

We should all be concerned with the disturbing rise of racism in the UK. I refer of course to Scottish separatism, really a thinly veiled attack on the softhearted English who have subsidised their feeble minded northern neighbours for far too long.  Kilts and shortbread were English inventions, and Mel Gibson wasn't even born in Scotland, so these deluded fanatics have no grounds to claim sovereignty over a few barren moors and the odd mountain.

It's undoubtedly the failings of our abysmal education system that have fostered these troublesome nationalists. Hopefully Mrs May will get to grips with this and see that English dominance is more clearly emphasised in the classroom. The next generation of Scots and Irish must be made to realise their subordinate status and accept it with humility if our precious Union is to be preserved. 

Saturday, 4 March 2017

That May Speech - the leaked first draft

Bloody hell, whose idea was it to book a venue ten sizes too big?. Good attention grabber, but something a bit more formal might play better. How about 'It's a great pleasure to be here in - where is it, again?'

Last year the Tories in Scotland finally kicked Labour into third place. Thanks mainly to the hard work of my dear friend, Ruth Harridan. Pretty sure it's Harrison? Get the intern to check. Since when she's been stuffing the SNP big time.  Good crowd pleaser, but don't give her too much credit. Your job's not that secure. And although we only have one MP in Scotland, luckily David Mundell is blessed with super powers and can leap tall buildings at a single bound. Are you taking his word for this? Better check it out.

The SNP are rubbish. All they ever do is fail at government. Scottish schools are nearly as bad as English ones. Might be best not to mention English schools at all. How about somewhere too far away for anyone to know better? Like Estonia? And they can't pay farm subsidies on time. What's worse, they don't like nukes and run their NHS more efficiently than we do. All of this means they are unfit to govern and I intend to take these powers away from them as soon as possible. Because we can't have a situation where Scotland is doing better at things than Westminster. People might realise how useless we are. Might be better to go for the "obsessed with independence" angle?

Scottish people deserve a First Minister who is focussed on delivering what I think they should have"What they need". Because devolution is all very well when the devolved administration takes its orders from Westminster, the way it was originally intended. If it starts to do what the people want, then it becomes a threat to our precious union, and then it must be smashed to pieces for the good of all. "brought into closer harmony with the national government"

Because as British Prime Minister my power base is all that matters to me. We can't have bits of the UK opting out whenever they feel like it. Devolution was a catastrophic mistake that must be corrected. Scotland doesn't vote Conservative so it doesn't deserve a say in anything.  Might be best to tone this down. Emphasise the "precious union" and "mutual benefits of one people".

Britannia has a proud history of beating all the dirty foreigners into submission.  Don't dwell too much on the Empire, it could backfire PC-wise. Scotland can't deny it played a part in that, so your hands are as bloody as ours and we have to stick together for all eternity.  A tad jingoistic? Emphasise the shared tradition, get the intern to look up some Scottish achievements from the past, and doesn't that Harry Potter woman live in Edinburgh?

Britannia can be great again, in our new post-Brexit World of Opportunity. All the SNP want to do is pull Britain apart, which is why we intend to throw them all into internment camps as soon as we've abolished the Human Rights Act. Might be too soon for this announcement. Stick to business benefits, security, all that guff. NB Gordon got some good use out of "pooling and sharing" and "the broad shoulders of the UK".

Scotland has been allowed to get away with doing things better than us for long enough. Sod democracy, you're going to shut up and do what you're told. This is a fine sentiment but remember it's all the SNP's fault. Emphasise how they are "holding back" Scotland. Should play better in the business community.

Monday, 27 February 2017

Shock At Corbyn's Oscars Gaff

The world of entertainment was reeling yesterday as Jeremy Corbyn accidentally handed the Most Credible Political Party Oscar to the SNP by mistake.

 The Academy audience of stars and celebrities had already begun to heartily applaud before the gaff was noticed and the red faced joke Labour leader hastily corrected his error. 

"I want to congratulate our SNP," he said, little realising that he was supposed to big up his own party who are currently running a feeble third to the SNP's widespread popularity.

The gaff followed close on the heels of London Mayor Sadiq Khan's controversial speech accusing nationalists of discriminating against Scots. "I'm not saying the SNP are racists," Khan hastily added in a feeble attempt to staunch the media onslaught. "It's just that they clearly are and everyone knows it."

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Introducing the New Improved BBC Jockland!

Scotland was reeling in gratitude today at the announcement BBC Scotland is to be replaced by a new improved version, BBC Jockland.

Said Director General Tony Hall, "We've had a whip round and thanks to the extraordinary generosity of people south of the border we can now spend a few more bob on the BBC Scotland budget. This represents a coup for Scottish broadcasting as it means we can spring for a few added extras, like a new frock for Jackie Bird and extended coverage of the BBC Jockland Hogmanay Special, despite the fact hardly anyone watches it.

"People in North Britain should be grateful, and stop complaining about the BBC which we know they actually love really. It is my hope this gesture will make them realise what a national treasure the BBC is and cough up their license fee like decent people in the rest of Britain."

New shows, reflecting the culture of modern Scotland, are already in the pipeline and should go to air in time to nobble the next Independence Referendum.

The Great Scottish Rip-Off

Loosely based on The Great British Bake-Off, Director General Tony Hall has only six weeks to convince a team of ordinary Scots viewers that his revamped TV channel represents value for their license fee money, despite investment lagging behind Wales and Northern Ireland.

Neil Oliver's History of Jockland

Filmed entirely on location in New Zealand, Scotland's favourite long-haired pretend historian walks around a lot looking sidelong at the camera and complaining about how nationalism has ruined his native country.

Who Do These Jocks Think They Are?

Each week a well known Scottish expatriate explores their Scottish roots while explaining why they couldn't wait to leave and now hate being reminded of it. Guests lined up so far: Michele Mone and Andrew Neil.

Monday, 20 February 2017

Guest Post: Unionist Brian McDamage Makes The Case For the Union

See that Nikla Sturjin? What a fuckin' state, eh? Walking aroon like Jimmy fuckin' Kranky.
Whae dis she think she is? Eh?
Furst minister, is it? Tell ye what, ah'd gie her a guid doin' if she came roon' here, walkin' aroon in they tartan fuckin' shooz and talkin' about Indyref2 a' the time, gets oan ma tits, so it does.

They fuckin' nashnalists, what a fuckin' state, eh? A' their fuckin' lies about livin' aff the oil an' that.
Pile o' keech.
The oil's no' worth hardly nothin' these days, dae they think we're daft or suhum?
That fuckin Sammin kens fine well we'd be up the swanny wi'oot a lifeboat.
Fat lot that pie muncher cares, he's aye on the golf course wi' his best mate Trump. No' him who'd be aff the dole.

An' thon Sturjin's niver aff the telly. Thought the pie muncher was bad but she's fuckin' worse, gaun oan aboot the Eeyoo an' lettin' a' thae foreigners in an' that. Takin' oor joabs.
No mine. Ah'm oan the Disability like, cozzy ma depreshin, it's right depressin' gettin' sacked fae every joab fer nickin' stuff aff the buildin' site.
But they'd be efter ma joab if ah fuckin' hud wan.
So whatthefuck diz she want to be in the Eeyoo fur? They're a' terrorists anyway.

So the guys roond the pub reckon there'll be another Indyref2 cozzy Brexit, annat.
An' my Nan's a' 'Oh, no! Whit the fuck dae they want to bring that up again fer?'
But I'm furrit.
Fuckin'. bring. it. oan.
Nothin' ah like better than mashin' up fuckin' nashnalists on the weekends.
Fuckin' Bravehearts, cannae fight for toffee.
Maist a' them are wummin an' the wans that arny might as well be, they fuckin' run awa' an' greet like wummin.
That's why I fuckin' hate them.

Independence. Fuckin' pish.